As I hope I made clear in class, this is a biggie. We all can work on this for the rest of our lives. Not only does it tie together the other 4 tools; but you must employ those tools effectively to accomplish the optimal and effective level of compassion.
Please do share your experiences-- positive or not. Pay particular attention to "reciprosity": how are others relating back to you when you begin to see with your heart?
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14 comments:
It so true that we reap what we sow...
In 99% of my experience, all people are willing to be loved, and being loved improves our capacity of loving others. Putting myself for one second in one another´s place, trying to be more compassionate, even speaking softer or sweeter than usual, brings only good things to your environment, be it at home, at work, and everywhere, you start a virtuous cycle. Then, yes, I see a surprising and unexpected reciprocity, sooner or later... Thanks Hal and Julie!
Josefa Shea
I would like to share with an experience I had when I was at the receiving end of a kind act by a stranger. It happened in Boston area 5 years ago. I was driving very early in the morning (around 4:30 am) towards the airport to get on a flight to San Diego. Suddenly, I had a flat tire and before I could stop the whole tire burnt out and luckily there were no other cars around and I stopped on the side of the highway I-95. It was dark and I thought for a few minutes and started calling AAA for help. In the meanwhile few cars passed by. But one of the cars stopped near where I stopped and the person inside that car asked me if I was doing okay and whether I needed help. I was pleasantly surprised by this stranger's willingness to help me. Although, I didn't ask for any help from him, I felt very happy to know that somebody stopped and offered help. The reason this incident is still fresh in my memory is because of the kindness of that stranger who saw another human in need of help.
I also read in the chapter that people become compassionate during times of crisis. And I could relate to this statement with this experience.
I have enjoyed the whole experience of the all Live-Withs thus far. Each one is like taking a step forward towards self-realization and self knowing – all are so well knit in the blanket of life. I now consciously take a moment and think about day yesterday. Was it lived from your heart? Did I do things that had real "feelings" attached to them? If the answer yes – I feel elated, motivated and satisfied.
These few weeks have given me a new way to present negative feelings and DECIDE if in fact I have to deal with them at all. Some of them at are important to other people, not me. I find that completing unpleasant yet necessary things quickly will "free you" to truly live and enjoy your life. Also, living doing "important things to do" and DOING at least one of them a day has energized me. Instead of constantly experiencing regret and frustration, I experience more joy and purpose.
I ‘m determined to live and see from my heart. A world of sharing, caring and giving - and mostly, a world full of heart awaits me……….and you too dear friends!
Cheers
Ruchi Kohar
Since last few months, I had quite difficult time to deal with one of my friends. It’s almost 8 years since I know him. We were really close buddies back in India, and then we went to same grad school here and fortunately both of us got job in bay area after finishing grad studies.
Since last few months, I noticed a severe change in his behavior. My VOJ tells me that he has become extremely pretentious to be center of attraction all the time. Whenever, we go out with other friends, he is full of himself which irritates most of us. Rather confronting about my observation, I started ignoring him from future activities. Above was one of the stresses (category 2) since last several weeks and I don’t know how to handle this situation.
This week, I have decided to take leverage of the assignment and analyze his behavioral change. First of all, it took sometime to abolish my VOJs and approach him to convey my concerns. From deep inside my heart I knew that he is nice person and someone dependable in crisis. Aforesaid genuine qualities were the only reason which motivated me to have this conversation. Frankly speaking, purpose of this conversation was to convey my irritation due to his recent change in demeanor but at the same time, I was pretty sure that he will understand my frustration and will realize that ultimately my intents were for his good. I am not a great arbitrator to handle this kind of issues but I was quite satisfied after meaningful conversation as I managed to express my concerns and make him realize that it’s affecting our friendship.
Although, he didn’t totally agree to my arguments that day but with a great surprise an hour ago I received a call from him. He thanked me for being honest to point out my concerns directly to him. This gave me an additional layer of satisfaction that my efforts weren’t recoiled :) I don’t have any expectations of a drastic change in his behavior next week but I am quite happy that I was able to provide an honest feedback which was quite necessary to portray our mutual respect.
Most of the time I don't have a problem working with people, but there are still a few of them that are difficult to deal with, e.g., who tends to talk negatively no matter how you communicate. "Luckily", I don't have to work with them in recent months, but seeing Vishal's message, I feel that I am merely pushing aside the issue rather than facing it. I think the next time I work with one of these people, I will speak my concerns frankly but respectfully, and see how it will work out.
When under stress, I tend to react more drastically. This morning I was in a rush to get to work early, and I was just an inch toward the intersection when waiting for a left turn, and the woman driving from opposite direction frowned on me and made a unrespectful gesture. I did not take that kindly either, but I did not realize what I wanted to do, until a few seconds later I beeped the horn, and by that time she already went past me. Anyway, it seems not easy to see with your heart when facing or being pushed for a deadline. If any of you have suggestions on how to cope under such situations, I would be glad to learn about it.
I do have some positive live-with experience from a musical friends' gathering yesterday. There was a visitor from East Coast joining our gathering, and performed a few Guqin (my favorite instrument) music pieces for us. I have seen him before at a conference in China a couple of years ago, where he performed in public. At the time, I had some reservations about his playing styles and skills (even though I am a rookie), especially because there were so many master players at that conference.
However, when I listened to and watched his playing yesterday, there was a sense of serenity in the atmosphere, and I could tell that I was indeed listening with my heart. I still sensed certain imperfection in the playing skills, but that didn't bother me much, and I focused on the flavor of the music itself, and I was able to sense something that is not always found in some of today's best (but more polished) Guqin players, kind of like the subtle flavor of tea. It was a very inspiring experience.
When I read the article "Relate from Your Heart" and tried the exercise of feeling the love, it seems hard to maintain that feeling if I remove the person or the scene. A few days later, a sudden warm loving feeling emerged from inside me, which has not happened to me for a long time (maybe due to the VOJ?) And I am grateful for the emergence of that feeling.
-Wenyu
inBeing compassionate means being sensitive to someone's (including our) emotions and feelings. But this is only the first step of it and the easier one. Being 100% compassionate means acting accordingly and taking other views and opinions into consideration. People including me are often stuck with the first step and do not try the second one as it needs more effort.
A random example. You are reading an article about a breast cancer race taking place in your home town. Many of us think: "Oh that is a good thing!" But how many of us JUST go and apply for it, or just go and attend the race..........?
With this weeks live-in I've noticed that the VOJ causes one to be more self-centered and to worry more about one's self. Which naturally leads to ignorance of the needs of others around you. As I have tried to be aware of others and their happiness, my own personal worries have been alleviated. My hope is that continually focusing my attentions on others will lead to more creativity and openness in my life as my own worries are removed.
See with your heart
I really think that this is a great topic. I personally know that I now and then should see people more with my heart. I respect generally all people, but respect is (as I read it) not the pure sense of seeing people with your heart.
However I have a interesting story about seeing people with your heart.
I was traveling from Hong Kong to Copenhagen, I had been away for half a year and was very excited about seeing my family and friends again. I had to transfer in London. It was around Christmas time so everybody was going home. There was heavy fog in London and all planes very cancelled. People were almost panicking there effort to get home. Somehow I spend my journey back home, trying to help other people who needed it. I was going by train and everybody was pushing and trying to get to be the first to buy tickets and to get on the train. I remember that I help an old man to carry his bags, a mother with her children and many other people who needed it. It became part of the travel focusing on others needs and not my own although my situation was just as bad.
I learned a lot about myself during that trip, from London to Copenhagen. If you get to see with your heart, then it gives you back so much more, than if you just care about yourself.
It is funny to see the blogs above, it seems like it is common that when people travel, that is when they open up their heart and see people in new way. You can feel compassioned about other people although they live differently and have other values, in the end we are all just looking for peace and happiness.
I have tried to open my heart this week, just small things.- Smiling a little more to the people working at the supermarket, showing some more interest in my colleagues life.
It is much easier to see with your heart when you can make eye contact with someone. This week I tried to rush a little less in my conversations with the check person at the grocery store. I tried to smile and say good morning to the people that I passed on the running path. At work, I tried to stop by harried colleagues offices to ask how I could help. Sometimes people seem surprised that I was actually waiting for an answer to these mundane questions and it made them pause and smile. Listening seems to be a key component of seeing with your heart. The fact that someone was interested and more important listening seemed to catch them off guard. I think it made a lot of people take a breath and get out of their heads. It certainly helped me do so.
Yesterday we had a family that we have known for a long time over for dinner and when they (finally) left, me and my husband were exhausted, not because they have two children under the age 2, but because they are full of themselves (maybe a little bit similar to vishal's experience) and even if I tried to listen, focus on the fact that they are nice people deep in even if it doesn't always show and see the couple with my heart, not with my ears, oh it was hard and I don't think I succeeded with my live with that day.
It might be worth trying to talk to them about this, or not..This is not the first time I felt this way with this particular couple, and if they continue draining energy away from me, I should probably not waste my time.
I am glad to hear that your friend, vishal, got your message and that he learned from it.
Another challenging situation for me regarding my live with task happened earlier in the week. I got very disappointed when a close and dear friend refused to get out of his comfort zone and therefore turned me and my family down when we asked to sleep over at his house for one night (we got to know with a very short notice that we could not stay in our house). Our friend's response was: I think it is better if you take in at a motel at El Camino.
I guess that I should have worked harder to look in to his heart with my heart, but my feeling of disappointment was too strong. I have not talked to him since then, but when I do I am not going to judge him, but try to understand where he comes from and his perspective of the whole thing.
I tend to react too fast and in a negative way, I get irritated easily sometimes and to prevent myself from this I have been telling myself: "please, have benefit of a doubt" and that helps me stop enough to see the best in that person or that specific situation.
I general, though, this week I have been experiencing some good things also, by smiling more and feeling and acting more happily among other people, from my husband to a stranger in a another car, or passing somebody walking the dog. It is a good feeling and it is a win-win.
This was a tough one for me but I found it much easier outside of work. I tried to make sure I took a deep breath before answering people and for the most part it worked. But there's one person that I just can't seem to shake the VOJ about - 2 years of pain will take more than a week to clear. :(
However, the "just do it" has been working great, and I'm not worrying like I used to. My head thanks you!
This past week this exercise came in to play. I was under stress, I had to hand out the layoff notices.This morning I was in a rush to get to work early, I wanted to finish all my work before starting this dreadful task. As I started having the meetings that were to last only 15 minutes as per the HR requirement, I made sure I took a deep breath before answering peoples questions and for the most part it worked. As I had the conversations the VOJ wanted to come out but I followed the "See with your Heart". I feel by putting myself in that persons place the converations were much more compassionate.
Thank you, Hal and Julie!
This past week this exercise came in to play. I was under stress, I had to hand out the layoff notices.This morning I was in a rush to get to work early, I wanted to finish all my work before starting this dreadful task. As I started having the meetings that were to last only 15 minutes as per the HR requirement, I made sure I took a deep breath before answering peoples questions and for the most part it worked. As I had the conversations the VOJ wanted to come out but I followed the "See with your Heart". I feel by putting myself in that persons place the converations were much more compassionate.
Thank you, Hal and Julie!
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